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| hello children - just want to let you all know that i have a new xanga - it's http://www.xanga.com/stinkfist21 | | |
| you know...this week has been so crazy. and i was lying in bed last night i was thinking to myself when the last time was that i was actually relaxed. it's been a while. ive especially longed for tranquillity this week since both grandma's are in the hospitals - thats where i was tuesday - i was at the hospital with my grandma - they thought she had cancer but thankfully she doesn't...which that also led me to think about when the last time i was actually happy was. i honestly can't remember =) but i can remember the last time i was relaxed - this is gonna sound so cheesy but it was so peaceful that i still remember it to this day - it was when i was at my grandma's condo in phoenix, arizona last summer about a week before school started - and this condo is so awesome i mean it has a tree in the middle of the living room that goes up through the ceiling and to outside - how cool is that? i know everyone wants a tree in their living room - but anywho, they have this hottub thats in an enclosed patio - to give you an idea of what it looks like, there are just walls around it - actually they're sliding glass doors..one goes to a bedroom, the other to the dining room, the other to the garage, and the other is just a wall - but the thing is, there's no roof. so you can look right up at the stars - so i was sitting in the hottub at like 2am - everyone else had gone to sleep - and i actually had a sting cd on and i was just sitting there looking up at the sky and it was the best feeling in the world not feeling a thing - it was so unbelievably amazing - i have yet to reach a feeling like that since
so that brings me to my next subject...happiness - what is happiness to you? i'd like to know so please let me =) i was just wondering because someone asked me that and i couldn't give them an answer - i really don't know what happiness means to me - at least not anymore
by the way, incase you hadn't figured it out, the cd that i chose was the same cd i was listening to that night - you should download some of the music or get the cd - it's really great and its very relaxing if that's what you're looking for of course =) | | |
| heres a perfect end to a crappy day...(and hopefully they'll turn out this time!~ let me know if they don't)
~antonio banderas
~benicio del toro
~bruno campos
(sorry guys his picture is being a pain in my ass and won't show up)
~cristian de la fuente (guy on the right)
~joaquin phoenix
~mark consuelos
and then my favorite of them all....*eduardo verastegui* (couldn't get enough of him so there are a couple pictures)
>>sigh<< i am absolutely in love with spanish men. especially the one right above herrre. bless his parents.
so yeah those pictures made me happy and i thought since i had a pretty bad day i should put those in here.
oh and carol, i think we should put "Chasing Papi" on our list of things to do, ok? because yeah...he's gorgeous and well....i love the spanish sexiness.
and neta, again, i am SO SORRY about earlier
haha oh yeah and ryan...didn't know if you knew this or not but it just occurred to me that you probably have no idea who i am in person so just for future reference, the unknown odd person to you that always smiles and says hi, yeah that's just me =) if you knew that, thats peachy. but just makin sure if you didn't. | | |
| you wanna know something really sad? the only people that ever take an interest in me are the males that are 50 or older or the extremely odd females. i think i'm going to start paying people to hit on me. just to boost my self esteem. sadly that's what it's come to. ugh.
that just doesn't help me in the fact that i'm not very good at being alone. i read a xanga the other day that talked about how when he saw other couples slobbering all over each other it made him realize how lonely he was. and i started thinking about that...i am lonely =( but see then things start getting bad because when i'm in a relationship i mess everything up. i need someone who can just tolerate my shit. i wish i wasn't like that and i've tried not to be but sometimes i can't help it. an example would be my last situation which you've been reading about. there i went again messing everything up...
i guess ive just been realizing that i shut people out too much. i think in a lot of ways i should show more emotion towards others. i mean, i won't let anyone else see me cry. to me that shows a lack of strength and stability. and in a relationship im not very affectionate mentally and physically. i certainly try to be but it always comes out in the weirdest ways. i see people who have been together for a while and how happy they seem to be and i can't help but think to myself about how much I want that. although i'd probably just mess that up as well. i don't know. maybe all of that is just a long shot and i shouldn't even try anymore. lately these things have ended up being pointless and a waste of time.
yeah this weekend hasn't been too great. only upsides to it were i got to hang out with carol at the mall last night and today my mom and i went to see the core. that was my 3rd time seeing it and it just gets better every time. so..i hope you all had a good weekend and a good easter.
oh and this is for all of you Tool fans out there - i've found that 30 Seconds to Mars sounds VERY MUCH like Tool especially the song that i've picked out for this entry. | | |
| so today's a great day outside - i love it when it's dark and rainy - ah and i heard thunder - thats awesome - wow this week has kinda sucked - soooo boring - and not only that but yesterday in photo malone bitched me out for being behind in my work because i was sick for a week and somehow in computer aps ive been sick 10 days? i think the teachers just a fucking psycho - ive been in class everyday and i guess i have 4 unexcused absences? what a bitch - god i had computer - its the worst, most boring class i have throughout the day - it's worse than french 3 and that's hard to be worse than
so as this whole drama goes on about my love life which is almost extinct, what little is left is pissing me off - ok i haven't talked to that guy in a while which was really good for me because if you dont talk to someone you tend to loose interest - well, as i'm at the peak of my getting over him, this morning he walks over next to me and just starts talking away like nothing happened - for those of you that don't know, he and i haven't talked for almost a month. i was pretty shocked. so he walks up next to me and i didn't notice him but i turned to look at him and said "Hi" and he said "Hey what's up?" and i got all quiet and said "Nothing..I guess" and that awkward silence settled in and what probably was 20 seconds seemed like well over an hour. and as he turns to go down the stairs he says to me "Well, I take by your silence that you don't want anything to do with me so...bye" - Wow...what an ass. I think even explained why I act the way I do around him he wouldn't get it - He doesn't understand why I 'hate' him - I don't really...I just say that because he hurt me pretty damn bad. And actually the more I say outloud I 'hate' him the more I tend to believe it which is good in the process of trying to get over him.
So as I was listening to my super cool burned cd I made last weekend I came across a song that was perfect for the predicament that I've found myself in once again...
"Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne
So, by keeping her heart protected
She'd never ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love
What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open my door
Surprise...It's time
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No more the need to be defensive
Goodbye, old you
When love is true
Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you want to use that line you better not start, no
But she miscalculated
She didn't want to end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love
So, by changing her misconceptions
She went in a new direction
And found inside she felt a connection
She fell in love.
What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open my door (open my door)
Surprise...It's time (yeah)
To feel what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No more the need to be defensive
Goodbye (goodbye), old you (oh you)
When love, when love is true
When Miss Independence walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I finally feel...
What is the feelin' takin' over?
Thinkin' no one could open my door
Surprise (surprise), it's time (yeah)
To feel (to feel) what's real
What happened to Miss Independent?
No more the need to be defensive
Goodbye (goodbye), old you
When love, when love is true..."
hmm...kelly clarkson...need I say more?
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